Name: Burn After Reading (2008)
Imdb page: http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0887883/
Rotten Tomatoes page: http://www.rottentomatoes.com/m/burn_after_reading/
Important things i’ve learned while watching this:
01. If Ozzy would have never got fired, this movie would have never happened.
02. All Linda wanted was plastic surgery.
03. All of the characters are stupid.
04. This movie is kind of like Fargo.
05. The CIA’s answer is “Pay it!”
06. Intelligence is relative.
07. You can make something similar to an item you might find for $1200 in a gentleman’s magazine for about a hundred bucks.
08. Don’t hide in closets.
09. If you don’t have a clue what’s going on, doing nothing is not a bad thing to do.
10. Make your own sex toy rather than fork out the money to buy one.
11. Former orthodox priests fall for women at the gym.
12. If you are leaving this world from an unexpected bullet to the face, it is best to do so smiling like an idiot and thinking of an excuse.
13. George Clooney is good at Brad Pitt in the face.
14. After sex, one must try to get a quick run in.
15. Cosmetic surgery can make some people try to sell CIA secrets to the Russians.
16. It does not matter whether you wear a suit to a meeting where you’re trying to extort money from someone.
17. A dildo is the most expensive part of a build-it-yourself sex machine.
18. If you don’t know what’s going on, don’t get involved.
19. Former Greek orthodox priests like 7 and 7.
20. There is always time for a run.
21. Getting hacked to death sucks but at least your killer will be put in a coma.
22. Chivalry is dead because it took a bullet between the eyes and/or got hacked to death on Olive St.
23. No matter the age, educational and economic background, it pays to be a cold-blooded, narcissistic b*tch, as demonstrated by Sandy, Katie, and Linda. Mind you, Linda, the most sympathetic out of the three, got the greatest haul, given where she started at the beginning of the film.
24. Too much time in the workshop and boning random women can put a damper on a marriage.
25. Fellas… know your bank account numbers!
26. Whether it’s Jamba Juice or booze, don’t drink and burglarize!
27. If confronted by the owners/occupants of the house you’re burglarizing, NEVER RUN UPSTAIRS!! Just exit the way you entered.
28. Riding a bicycle to a shakedown is a recipe for failure.
29. Kryptonite bike locks can be opened up with a ball point pen.
30. Front door locks can be opened up with a hatchet.
31. To mormons, everybody has a drinking problem.
32. Anyone’s Wives Can Be Cold Stuck-Up Bitches.
33. Password protect your computer.
34. Super sensitive cia $hit should not be left in a gym bag.
35. My tap water comes from a local swamp.
36. It is possible to dance while treadmilling.
37. Whatever happens, bring the purple sex wedge.
38. Brandishing a hatchet in broad daylight could result in coma or death.
39. An acid reflex is different from someone being lactose intolerant
40. Always go to the Russian Ambassy if you want money
41. Always go downstairs for a knife to protect yourself against a dead person in your closet
42. Always call out “hello?” when a dead person is in your closet, then yell at him “what the *beep* are you doing here, you *beep*
43. Only call someone in the middle of the night to tell them you have their sh*t.
44. When leaving your girlfriend, always storm out of the house with a purple LIBERATOR sex wedge in a suit.
45. Once you have muscle memory, you can shoot someone without even trying to.
46. If a guy in shades in a black sedan is watching you, skitter over a brick wall and he won’t notice.
47. Some members of the audience just don’t get good comedies like this one because they’re MORONS!