Name: In Bruges (2008)
Important things i’ve learned while watching this:
01. “Inanimate object” is considered to be an insult in Europe.
02. Blanks actually are dangerous.
03. It takes Ralph Fiennes 5 minutes to descend a staircase.
04. Ralph Fiennes doesn’t like it when you insult his f#*king *beep* kids.
05. It’s ok to punch a woman if she takes a swing at you with a bottle. Because, you know, a bottle is a deadly weapon.
06. Head shots are fatal, but any other catastrophic injury allows time for further chases, imparting of critical information, or general monologizing.
07. Fat people shouldnt climb narrow staircases.
08. Bruges is in Belgium.
09. Midgets would rather be called dwarfes.
10. Marie wasn’t a receptionist, she was co-owner with her husband.
11. Uzi’s are for shooting people in Los Angeles.
12. Alcoves are good places to kill someone.
13. There are no bowling alleys in Bruges…
14. … but there are Pizza Huts.
15. Belgian film crews have a dope peddler on staff.
16. Nobody in Belgium calls the police when guns are fired–or any other time.
17. In Belgium, you can fall 100 feet from a church tower and still be conscious when you hit the pavement, though you die soon after.
18. Americans killed John Lennon.
19. Proper skinheads go around beating up 12-year-old Pakistanis.
20. There will be a war between the blacks and the whites. (this includes black
midgets vs. white midgets – which is a great idea for a movie, by the way)
21. The Vietnamese will fight on the side of the blacks.
22. There is life after Harry Potter movies. (We had 3 cast members of the fourth one here)
23. There is also life after a bomb like Alexander. (OMG, Colin Farrell actually CAN act!)
24. People can hear the sound of coins hitting the ground but are completetly oblivious to the sound of gunshots.
25. Bruges is a terrible place to be in.
26. People drink beer in Bruges.
27. There are actually alot of chocolate shops in Bruges, but you wouldn’t know it from this movie!
28. It costs 5 euros to go up the bell tower and don’t think you can get away with paying just 4.90 euros.
29. “Nook and cranny” is a good substitute for “alcove”.
30. Around Christmas, all the hotel rooms in Bruges are booked up.
31. Hitmen have a moral code.
32. Bruges was created for retarded farm kids.
33. There are no police in Bruges.
34. Apparently, in Bruges, it is quite normal for people to run down the streets shooting guns at each other.
35. A man jumping out of a window onto a barge in Bruges is also normal.
36. Everyone in Europe speaks english.
37. All the *beep* Americans in Europe are actually Canadian.
38. Head-exploding bullets only explode heads. They leave proper bullet-holes on torsos.
39. A pregnant lady is all the barrier you need to stop a hitman from going up a flight of stairs.
40. If you blow off the head of a midget, his unproportional body is indistinguishable from a little boy’s.
41. It’s best to act out an elaborate ruse to pretend that you’re sending someone out of the room, even though the person on the phone can’t hear anything you’re doing.
42. When you see a dwarf, give him a thumbs up so that he won’t kill himself.
43. If you think you’re too far away to get shot, you should still probably crouch down or take cover.
44. If you’re going to kill yourself, do it next to the children’s playground in the park. It’s better than having the hotel employee clean up the mess you made.
45. If you’re strung out on horse tranquilizer, it’s okay if you don’t wave to people you don’t technically know.
46. If you steal a girl’s drugs but call her nice, there’s a possibility she’ll bail you out of jail.
47. Colin Farrell looks like he shoots kids. But it’s cool.
48. The Priest must like milkshakes because he was also in “There Will Be Blood”.
49. Canadians don’t like people who blow smoke in their face.
50. Apparently, in Bruges, they serve both “gay” and “normal” beer.
51. Although there is very little sun in Bruges, all sexually active tourists should wear sunglasses if they want to protect their eyes from blanks.
52. Never hand your expensive $600 cellphone to Ralph Fiennes.
53. It’s best to button the top collar of your shirt once you’ve decided to blow your brains out.
54. Chocolate was created in Belgium to make it easier to molest children.
55. Ralph Fiennes must really be Voldemort, because he can hit a moving target with a handgun using inaccurate dumdum bullets from what would be a decent range for a rifle.